how God places the right people in your life at the right times. He’s so personal like that, it’s crazy. He knows when you’re gonna need someone to keep pestering you about “what’s wrong” when you don’t even know, and then sit there and listen while you try to explain the jumble of thoughts and emotions in your head, and then they just perfectly understand it, because they’re going through it too. Like right now, I’m going through this strange transition into adulthood and leadership and learning to lead people spiritually and also be submissive to God at the same time. I do NOT envy guys their position as head of the household...it’s HARD to lead and be submissive simultaneously. Kudos to you guys that juggle those roles. On my whiteboard, I’ve had a few phrases written down for months now, and never fully understood why I’ve had them up there until tonight.
“Trust Him in the dark; honor Him with unwavering confidence even in the midst of mysterious dispensations.”
“...to have a vacant place in my heart and yet to allow that place to be filled by no inferior presence.”
“Lord, give us faith to fully trust Your word, even when everything else witnesses the other way.”
I’ve had my life brought to the point where I’m NOT at all in control of it, and, honestly, I don’t like it. Humanly speaking, I’m a control freak. I like to know where I’m going, to have all my ducks in a row, so to speak, and to be able to plan stuff out. Not being able to do that SUCKS. I don’t really know where God is headed with my life right now. I thought missions for sure, but now I’m not sure anymore, and I guess that’s okay. God knows. I don’t really need to. But I WANT to. This is the problem. I’m in the dark right now, and I’m struggling to trust Him. I know He’s got my good and His glory in mind, but I wish I could see more than the next step. Actually, I wish I could see the next step, ‘cause I can’t even see that right now.
I also have this weird need within me to cling to things to which I need to let go. Family, friends, past experiences, who I am, dreams of mine. I need to just let go and let God do His thing, but again, control freak kicks in. It’s one of my biggest struggles, and it introduces fear into my life, and I hate that. I also hate the void I feel when I’m not trusting God, and I know that I try to fill it with other things, but like the quote above says, I need to not let it be filled by any “inferior presence.” Nothing and no-one will complete me but God. Who I am is wrapped up in Him and His work, and I really struggle to own that knowledge in my heart, so I pray again;
“Lord, give me faith to fully trust Your word, even when everything else witnesses the other way.”
