New Prayer Letter!

New Prayer Letter!

so it's amazing to me...

how God places the right people in your life at the right times. He’s so personal like that, it’s crazy. He knows when you’re gonna need someone to keep pestering you about “what’s wrong” when you don’t even know, and then sit there and listen while you try to explain the jumble of thoughts and emotions in your head, and then they just perfectly understand it, because they’re going through it too. Like right now, I’m going through this strange transition into adulthood and leadership and learning to lead people spiritually and also be submissive to God at the same time. I do NOT envy guys their position as head of the household...it’s HARD to lead and be submissive simultaneously. Kudos to you guys that juggle those roles. On my whiteboard, I’ve had a few phrases written down for months now, and never fully understood why I’ve had them up there until tonight. 

“Trust Him in the dark; honor Him with unwavering confidence even in the midst of mysterious dispensations.”

“...to have a vacant place in my heart and yet to allow that place to be filled by no inferior presence.” 

“Lord, give us faith to fully trust Your word, even when everything else witnesses the other way.” 

I’ve had my life brought to the point where I’m NOT at all in control of it, and, honestly, I don’t like it. Humanly speaking, I’m a control freak. I like to know where I’m going, to have all my ducks in a row, so to speak, and to be able to plan stuff out. Not being able to do that SUCKS. I don’t really know where God is headed with my life right now. I thought missions for sure, but now I’m not sure anymore, and I guess that’s okay. God knows. I don’t really need to. But I WANT to. This is the problem. I’m in the dark right now, and I’m struggling to trust Him. I know He’s got my good and His glory in mind, but I wish I could see more than the next step. Actually, I wish I could see the next step, ‘cause I can’t even see that right now. 

I also have this weird need within me to cling to things to which I need to let go. Family, friends, past experiences, who I am, dreams of mine. I need to just let go and let God do His thing, but again, control freak kicks in. It’s one of my biggest struggles, and it introduces fear into my life, and I hate that. I also hate the void I feel when I’m not trusting God, and I know that I try to fill it with other things, but like the quote above says, I need to not let it be filled by any “inferior presence.” Nothing and no-one will complete me but God. Who I am is wrapped up in Him and His work, and I really struggle to own that knowledge in my heart, so I pray again; 

“Lord, give me faith to fully trust Your word, even when everything else witnesses the other way.” 

...So I love how God teaches me stuff...

 ...lets me communicate it to someone else who needs it, then helps me re-learn it because I’m too much of an idiot to let it sink in and stick the FIRST time. Ha. I opened the devotional book I read ad infinitum, called “Streams in the Desert” (and received from an amazing friend and mentor, Leah Humphreys), and it fell open to the August 5th page, upon which I’d written “Treat [God’s] promises as REALITIES!” The Scripture for that day was 2 Corinthians 12:9- “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that christ’s power may rest on me.”  How crazy is it that we so often forget about how God says things; His grace IS sufficient, not “may, can or might be”. IS. End of story. We get into this bad habit of asking God for stuff He’s already provided; strength, grace, power, forgiveness. We (especially me) have all these excuses about sin we get into, especially since we can explain it away as “not really sin”, such as worry or stress. God specifically tells us NOT to worry. “DO NOT worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” - Matthew 6:34. Or how about this one, from Luke 12:22-25 “Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who f you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?’” Or how about Philippians 4:6- “Do not be anxious about anything.” And only two verses previously, it commands us instead to “Rejoice in the Lord always! I will say it again: REJOICE!” I love how Francis Chan puts it:

Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. 

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. 

Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. 

Whoa. 

In other words...GET OVER YOURSELF. 

I’m gonna sound like I’m on Chan’s payroll here, but he has a tendency to steal the words out of my mouth. 

“God has allowed hard things in your life so you can show the world that your God is great and that knowing Him brings peace and joy, even when life is hard.” 

“I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don’t have control, because it makes me run to God.” 

I just finished reading Colossians for the n-th time, and one thing that strikes me as a prominent theme in it is thankfulness. Actually, thankfulness is just a huge theme in all of Paul’s works that seems to go hand in hand with the study of God’s word and living a Christ-centered life, as well as knowing God and understanding His will. So that was a huge paraphrase, but really, read the epistles. You’ll see what I mean. 

In Chan’s book, Crazy Love, he includes a paper written by a 14-year old girl named Brooke Bronkowski who was sold out for God, entitled “Since I Have My Life Before Me.” She died in a car accident shortly after writing it, but at her funeral at least two hundred students accepted Christ. 

“Since I Have My Life Before Me”

I’ll live my life to the fullest. I’ll be happy. I’ll brighten up. I will be more joyful than I have ever been. I will be kind to others. I will loosen up. I will tell others about Christ. I will go on adventures and change the world. I will be bold and not change who I really am. I will have no troubles but instead help others with their troubles. 

You see, I’ll be one of those people who live to be history makers at a young age. Oh, I’ll have moments, good and bad, but I will wipe away the bad and only remember the good. In fact that’s all I remember, just good moments, nothing in between, just living my life to the fullest. I’ll be one of those people who go somewhere with a mission, an awesome plan, a world changing plan, and nothing will hold me back. I’ll set an example for others, I will pray for direction. 

I have my life before me. I will give others the joy I have and God will give me more joy. I will do everything God tells me to do. I will follow the footsteps of God. I will do my best!!!

The only thing I would change is the very last line...I will do everything through Christ who gives me strength, because my best won’t last very long. 

So anyway, I know this post, like all others, starts in one place and doesn’t really end where you’d expect it to, but that’s fine. I hope you got something out of it, but even if you didn’t, it’s been good for me to solidify my thoughts a bit more. 

So I've put together a prayer letter...

Click Here!


check it out and lemme know what you think! :)

So I guess it’s time...

...for even more honesty than usual. I’m not trying to say that I’m usually DIShonest, but sometimes, tact is overrated and being an optimist is just not realistic if I’m gonna communicate clearly. 

Life feels weird. There’s no other way to describe it. I’m feeling emotions that I don’t have words for, and I feel oddly out-of-body sometimes, like I’m observing my life from someone else’s point of view. Strangely enough, it’s helping me to deal with the bewildering pace of, well, stuff. 

What is stuff? Well, how about my entire family leaving for various points of the world; Alaska, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea...and Cable, Wisconsin, which is just far enough away to be downright irritating. How about dealing with my best friend of 10 years turning into bridezilla on me just prior to her wedding, leading to the end of our friendship. How about the college I thought God was leading me to ending up being just a means God was using to re-direct me...full circle, to staying here in Wisconsin, and waiting. For what? Who the heck knows. I’m heading into missions as a tentative direction, pending confirmation from the Most High Navigator. How about the guy I’d been in an undefined kind of relationship with for 4 months, “officially” dated for 3 days, then suddenly dumping me with some lame excuse, simply because he couldn’t take being in a relationship with someone who didn’t worship the ground he walked on and called him on his crap. Pansy. How about my other best friend suddenly walking out on me when she’d moved into my room without even asking permission when her lease ran out, making me feel like a jerk and telling me she didn’t feel “welcome.” Really. 

Being rejected sucks. Especially when it’s not anything to do with you. When people’s personal issues get taken out on you, your life automatically kinda sucks hardcore, especially because I struggle to remember that I don’t have to feel like the jerk, ‘cause I’m NOT. I’ve been used, abused, burned more times than I can remember, censored, humiliated.....but honestly, I love seeing how God is using to make me a more effective tool for His glory. 

Whoa. Hold on. Here I thought this was a huge pity party. PSYCH! It’s not. Sure, I feel kinda crappy about my life right now, but since when does telling yourself to just “suck it up” and stuff whatever you’re thinking into some far corner of your mind, refusing to deal with whatever it is, help? Rarely, if ever. So here’s me, telling the truth about the crap that’s getting flung at me by life right now. Because the truth sets you free, and in this case, here’s why; when I admit what’s going on in my life and myself, and I give it to God, I ask Him to show me where HE is in all of it, and I begin to see His hand at work in everything as I obey His promptings, even when it means total chaos. 

He’s weaning me of parasitic friends who would hamper my availability to serve Him. 

He’s giving me new people in my life to serve and come alongside to help serve others.

He’s helping me form new friendships that will edify me and strengthen my walk with Him.

He’s taking the knowledge that I’ve gained through past relationships and using it to make it easier for me to understand people that I’m serving with, strengthening the bonds of unity and the effectiveness of the ministry that we have. 

He’s keeping my heart soft, as He reminds me again and again that retreating behind a wall of safety in my heart will get me NOWHERE. It is better to continually be hurt than to feel nothing, because when one has experienced pain, they are more suited to minister to others in pain and help bear their burdens, as Scripture commands us to. 

He is forcing me to realize my bare self, and where my identity is; removing any idols that stand in my way, whether they’re people, things, preconceptions, wrong ideals, you name it. 

In other words, He is telling me the truth. And the truth is what sets me free. 

Free to be effective in ministry without bringing along unnecessary baggage that would hamper the work. 

Free to be myself even when I’m in situations that are insecure or uncertain.

Free to stand up for what I believe even when everything else says otherwise.

Free from the bonds of the culture I live in, to influence others to His culture. 

The list goes on, really. And as Satan does his best, or his worst, to trip me up and discourage me, I shall keep my eyes on the Most High God, who lets me call him Abba. Daddy. 

so here's the pix I promised...

the tent situation...

CRAZINESS on the way there

NOS ad in the making fo sho

Morning devotions- Mark doin' his thang

Playing ninja to kill some time and burn some energy

So I'm back from rafting...

and I had a great time!! Shot 6 sets of rapids, shot some rapids minus the raft too just for kicks, fell off a 30 foot cliff, got bruised and scraped up, and I'm exhausted and smelly but I had an awesome weekend connecting with a great group of middleschoolers. Did you know that dogs can be de-barked?? So weird. Pix of the trip to come...

so I'm up way too late

...on a Sunday morning (it makes sense in my mind, at least)...and it's one of those nights when the simple things are fascinating, reminiscences wash over me at the slightest provocation, and everything in me reaches out to God like a child who wants to be picked up SO badly when Daddy gets home from work, for the security of the hug and the strong arms around you. Oh man, life is hard. I've had some verses from Galatians in my head all day. "I have been crucified with Christ, I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live through the Son of God, who loves me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness can be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing." or something to that effect...I'm writing from memory here. Basically, my identity is something I've been struggling with lately. Who am I really? Am I defined by my friends, my hobbies, my circumstances, my family, my job, the music I listen to? And the only answer I come up with to those is an overwhelming NO! The problem is, I so often find myself doing exactly that; defining myself by those things, instead of by the fact that I'm a saint. I'm a child of God, saved by Christ, and heirs with Him to the Kingdom of God. God looks at me and doesn't see all of the surrounding noise of life; He sees me, the one He knew even before I was born, washed in the blood of His Son, whose days are carefully numbered and watched by Him as He continually shows me His faithfulness, proving over and over again that He is utterly trustworthy. As the prophet Zephaniah said, He is mighty to save, and He rejoices over me with singing. My name is written on the palm of His hand. Nothing else matters. My identity is entirely swallowed up in the sea of grace that flows over me, and through me to the rest of the world. God's heart is for the lost people in the world, the hurt, the struggling, and the ones who think they're "good enough" to get into Heaven, only to realize in the end, too late, that Christ is the only Way. What am I doing with my life that reflects His glory to the lost and broken? I am His, and His alone, and like Paul said, I want to be "Like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and in truth [with Christ]." That's in Philippians chapter 2, btw. I want to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than [myself]." To "look not only to [my] own interests, but also to the interests of others." To have the same attitude of Christ, who was willing to be made nothing so that God's glory could defeat death, and make us more than conquerors. How radical is that?! So really, my identity is something that I couldn't possibly attain by myself. And that's a good thing, because, like the verse in Galatians said, if righteousness could be gained by following a set of rules, Christ died for nothing. It's because of Christ's death on the cross that I have been given direct access to the throne room of God, and therefore access to everything I need to live a righteous life, following the example set by Christ, not by my own strength, but because of the strength made available to me by Christ. Good thing, too, cause I SUCK at life most of the time when I try to do it all on my own. Not sure if there was really any point to this post other than working through my own mental process of asking the question that's on my mind, and then going through what I know to be truth, but it sure feels like the hug that I needed when I'm reminded of all that has been done for me by my very personal Savior who understands my every struggle and insecurity, loving me all along the way.

Skydiving video at Skydive Milwaukee

Skydiving video at Skydive Milwaukee

so I know I'm definitely gonna be feelin' it tomorrow...

...cuz after being sore in the first place, then working out this morning, then playing two hours of volleyball and then running afterwards, I'm gonna be SORE. Oh man. But it's gonna be a good kind of sore, especially since I've got an appointment with my massage therapist (heaven-sent, I swear) tomorrow morning...it will be sweet. Painful as all H, but sweet. ALSO, I downloaded almost half a gig of free, good-quality techno today, so all in all, today was one great big WIN. :D Thanks, God! I needed that. Also that message in church was fantastic, so thanks for that too.

So I'm sitting on my bus...

...with a nice suntan and one fabulous case of salsa heartburn, sipping Diet Coke laced with orange Fanta, listening to Breathe Electric and waiting for the sun to come back out and the soccer game to finish so I can go home. Working on a Saturday is lame, but it makes my paycheck prettier, so I do it. Trying to think of what to write this paper for my Lit. class about...I have martians on my mind...

so I'm on my bus...

...and I'd really rather be enjoying the sunshine. It's gorgeous out, if a bit windy. I'm a little frustrated, too, but meh...God's got it.

So last night I brutalized my closet...

...and managed to purge 4 garbage bags FULL of clothing. My closet is the emptiest it's ever been. In human terms, it looks somewhat like a holocaust victim. When I woke up this morning to go to work, I looked in my closet and was entirely discombobulated by the lack of clothing... *rubbing eyes* "Wait...where am I? This isn't my closet!" I've also brutalized my to-do list of homework. I've now completed two of my four classes, two weeks early. Boo to the yah, baby! Now I've just got my two most hated classes left to complete, and a dreaded term paper to cobble together last minute. Joy. If only Wisconsin had gotten the memo that today was SUPPOSED to be 68 degrees and sunny, instead of cold, windy, and gloomy as heck. California, here I come, just...3 1/2 months left...


listening to: Muse, Bob Marley, and Celldweller