...for even more honesty than usual. I’m not trying to say that I’m usually DIShonest, but sometimes, tact is overrated and being an optimist is just not realistic if I’m gonna communicate clearly.
Life feels weird. There’s no other way to describe it. I’m feeling emotions that I don’t have words for, and I feel oddly out-of-body sometimes, like I’m observing my life from someone else’s point of view. Strangely enough, it’s helping me to deal with the bewildering pace of, well, stuff.
What is stuff? Well, how about my entire family leaving for various points of the world; Alaska, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea...and Cable, Wisconsin, which is just far enough away to be downright irritating. How about dealing with my best friend of 10 years turning into bridezilla on me just prior to her wedding, leading to the end of our friendship. How about the college I thought God was leading me to ending up being just a means God was using to re-direct me...full circle, to staying here in Wisconsin, and waiting. For what? Who the heck knows. I’m heading into missions as a tentative direction, pending confirmation from the Most High Navigator. How about the guy I’d been in an undefined kind of relationship with for 4 months, “officially” dated for 3 days, then suddenly dumping me with some lame excuse, simply because he couldn’t take being in a relationship with someone who didn’t worship the ground he walked on and called him on his crap. Pansy. How about my other best friend suddenly walking out on me when she’d moved into my room without even asking permission when her lease ran out, making me feel like a jerk and telling me she didn’t feel “welcome.” Really.
Being rejected sucks. Especially when it’s not anything to do with you. When people’s personal issues get taken out on you, your life automatically kinda sucks hardcore, especially because I struggle to remember that I don’t have to feel like the jerk, ‘cause I’m NOT. I’ve been used, abused, burned more times than I can remember, censored, humiliated.....but honestly, I love seeing how God is using to make me a more effective tool for His glory.
Whoa. Hold on. Here I thought this was a huge pity party. PSYCH! It’s not. Sure, I feel kinda crappy about my life right now, but since when does telling yourself to just “suck it up” and stuff whatever you’re thinking into some far corner of your mind, refusing to deal with whatever it is, help? Rarely, if ever. So here’s me, telling the truth about the crap that’s getting flung at me by life right now. Because the truth sets you free, and in this case, here’s why; when I admit what’s going on in my life and myself, and I give it to God, I ask Him to show me where HE is in all of it, and I begin to see His hand at work in everything as I obey His promptings, even when it means total chaos.
He’s weaning me of parasitic friends who would hamper my availability to serve Him.
He’s giving me new people in my life to serve and come alongside to help serve others.
He’s helping me form new friendships that will edify me and strengthen my walk with Him.
He’s taking the knowledge that I’ve gained through past relationships and using it to make it easier for me to understand people that I’m serving with, strengthening the bonds of unity and the effectiveness of the ministry that we have.
He’s keeping my heart soft, as He reminds me again and again that retreating behind a wall of safety in my heart will get me NOWHERE. It is better to continually be hurt than to feel nothing, because when one has experienced pain, they are more suited to minister to others in pain and help bear their burdens, as Scripture commands us to.
He is forcing me to realize my bare self, and where my identity is; removing any idols that stand in my way, whether they’re people, things, preconceptions, wrong ideals, you name it.
In other words, He is telling me the truth. And the truth is what sets me free.
Free to be effective in ministry without bringing along unnecessary baggage that would hamper the work.
Free to be myself even when I’m in situations that are insecure or uncertain.
Free to stand up for what I believe even when everything else says otherwise.
Free from the bonds of the culture I live in, to influence others to His culture.
The list goes on, really. And as Satan does his best, or his worst, to trip me up and discourage me, I shall keep my eyes on the Most High God, who lets me call him Abba. Daddy.
yep!! Love you!
ReplyDelete